The Glowering Conductor
by J'Tok
Summary: What will Conductor Meyer do when her Choir starts thinking? Or even being logical? All she was trying to do was sing the praises of Edward Cullen to the theme of Frosty the Snowman. Was that so much to ask?


A/N: Not really sure where this thought came from (especially since summer's just starting), and somebody somewhere on the internet's probably done it already, but I couldn't resist doing one myself. I do not own Frosty the Snowman or Twilight (thank God). My little celebration for the end of the school year. This was supposed to be a simple song-parody, but my love of explaining got me carried away. Enjoy! I know it's marked 'Complete', but I really enjoyed writing this, so if anyone wants me to keep going and add on a rendition of Jacob the Half-Naked Werewolf OR Renesmee the Demon Baby (done to Rudolph), leave a review!

Woot! Glower count of nine!

I now present …

The Glowering Conductor! (raise curtains)

* * *

In a darkened high school theatre, a series of lyrics flashed across a projector screen. Choir sings:

" _Edward the Cullen  
was a very angsty soul.  
With hair of bronze  
and topaz eyes  
and a body made from … stone?_ WTF?"

Conductor Meyer angrily tapped the music stand in front of her and glowered at the Choir. The Choir cringed, and started up cheerfully.

" _Edward the Cullen  
is a fairytale they say.  
He was made of marble but Bella sighed  
and wrapped around him anyway_ … seriously?"

Conductor Meyer glowered at the young man who had dared speak out. The entire song had come to a standstill.

"I'm just sayin'," Ricky defended himself, quailing under the murderous glower, "even assuming that the 'fiction' aspect of this allows actual stone to be animate somehow and conduct enough electrical impulses to form neurons in the first place, his entire body is stone. How would that even work in a relationship? No circulatory system means that it would be impossible for certain biological functions to take place -"

Kayla interrupted. "Well actually, it would probably be just fine for Bella if you discount the whole frostbite-in-bad-places and fast-onset numbing issues, but I can't imagine Edward would get much out of the deal."

"Exactly!" Ricky gestured to his Choir mate, turning back to the glowering conductor a bit more confident. "So no real nookie, and when you take geologic principals into account you've got to realize that Edward would erode every time he tried to jac-"

"Hey!" Madeleine in the front row turned around, "this is supposed to be rated T!"

"Oh come on! We're teenagers! Everyone does it."

"Too bad," she frowned. "The author's an old prude who likes to pretend the students she teaches don't have unrestricted internet access and that was never invented. Suck it up and talk nice."

"Da-arn." Ricky sighed. "It's just that, uh, let's assume that these bodies of animated marble are actually _capable_ of producing hormone chemicals like testosterone. Edward was frozen at seventeen. I don't know about the other guys here, but my mind is still on the fact that I could almost see right down Maddy's top when she turned around to tell me off." The girl in front of him blushed ferociously, but didn't do up any buttons. "He should be doing a lot of things that my grandpa would've told my dad would make him go blind. There Maddy, that old-fashioned enough for you?"

David snickered. "And a vamp uh … going to bed with another vamp would mean enough noise that if the statements about the baseball game are to be believed, they'd need a thunderstorm to cover for them. And they'd both erode. Edward's eroded to a pencil!" He sang, and the entire Choir broke down in giggles. "And peanuts probably!"

"Really blue peanuts!" Ricky joined in.

"Enough!" Conductor Meyer shrieked, glowering at the Choir. "Edward is the pinnacle of every teenager's dream! He is the irrevocable fantasy, end of story. Boys want to be him, girls want to be Bella-"

"I don't!" Melissa raised her hand. "My boyfriend is warm, cuddly, and manages to be a nice guy that would even join choir for me without giving me heat stroke every time we do anything." She smiled brilliantly at Cody, the third boy in the Choir who grinned at the public praise … and affirmation that something was very likely to be done because he went to this stupid club with her.

Kayla added, "there's a statue of the school founder out front. He's attractive enough for an old guy, but you couldn't pay me to ' _wrap around him anyway_ '."

"And I sure as hell don't want to be Edward. Eternal life and loads of cash have nothing on being able to … uh, properly enjoy the female form to it's fullest." David eyed Madeleine warily.

Kayla saw her opportunity and crept away, plugging a USB stick into the projector. She waved at the rest of the Choir behind the Conductor's glowering back to keep her busy. "Didn't any of you do the assigned readings?" Conductor Meyer shrieked, glowering at Ricky for starting the interruption.

"I read ahead in the textbook, Conductor," Maddy piped up. "Edward seems to use the denial of physical gratification as a way of controlling Bella, and even watches her sleep, meaning she can't take care of herself. As a side note, it's also beyond creepy. I mean, really, sleep is a time for the body to relax, all of it, including the gastrointestinal tract. Edward _enjoyed_ that? Total creeper. But back on topic, we have no proof that Edward is physically capable of intimate activities, other than his own word, until Deus Ex Machina pops in during the fourth book in the form of a biologically impossible child. And the demon baby's a whole other issue."

Conductor Meyer glowered a bit longer, before finally sighing and shaking her head. "You try to teach them something, you try and show them about how perfect real, true love can be, but I'm afraid none of you are mature enough to understand. This is about gut-wrenching, irrevocable, unconditional love!"

"Well that's kind of stupid," Cody added, stealing a glance at his girlfriend. "Love between two people wanting to partner for the rest of their lives shouldn't _be_ unconditional. That's kind of like saying that it doesn't matter what qualities someone really has, that there's no actual reason for love in the first place, which I think girls would find kind of insulting. I know I do. It would be like saying that someone doesn't actually _have_ the positive qualities needed to have someone fall in love with … oh. I mean, Conductor, it would be just looking at someone and being stuck with them for life … oh."

"Coughimprintingcough," Kayla retook her place in the back row.

"Enough!" Conductor Meyer glowered at the high school Choir, ignoring her slight blush. "Do you all want that extra credit or not? Finish the song exactly as it is on the projector!" She glowered and ignored the Choir's snickers and red faces, gracefully wielding her Baton of Power. The Choir picked up:

" _There must have been some crack in that  
bull$^#% book they found.  
For when they placed it on the ground,  
torches passed around."_

"What?" Conductor Meyer gasped, and glowered at various suspected troublemakers. The Choir members laughed internally and continued.

" _Oh  
Edward the Cullen,  
was alive as he could be,  
But not for long with the lynch mob  
chasing him w' blades aplenty,  
$%#&^!* $%#& $%#&_  
 _$%# &^!* $%#& $%#& "_

"No, we don't use that kind of language! It's improper!"

" _Look at Edward go,_  
 _$%# &^!* $%#& $%#&_  
 _$%# &^!* $%#& $%#&_  
 _Hear Bella angsting so!_

" _Edward the Cullen saw  
the lynchers chasing him,  
So he turned and said  
Bella we'll run and  
have some fun  
before I $%#& you dead!"_

"No! That's not what you're supposed to say!"

" _Down to the Island,  
with his pencil in his hand,  
They beat him there he turned and ran  
screaming to the air  
'I'm too pretty to die!'"_

"Who tampered with that projector? Who the fudge was it?"

" _He led them down the Island paths,  
pitchforks n'torches sparkling.  
Bella screamed in horror and  
they heard her holler 'Stop!'"_

"Stop! Stop this atrocious song!"

" _For Edward the Cullen  
was burning so bright-ly,  
His sparkly ass went up in flames  
And we could hear him screaming,  
Bella died,  
Sucked into a black hole! (Really!)  
$%#&^!* $%#& $%#&_  
 _$%# &^!* $%#& $%#& "_

"Oh, the vampirity …"

 _"Look at Edward burn,  
$%#&^!* $%#& $%#&_  
 _$%# &^!* $%#& $%#&_  
 _Wont make your stomach churn!"_

Conductor Meyer burst into tears.


End file.
